It wasn't meant to be like this
by Dango Sticks
Summary: Have you ever felt like you're drowning? Like you're in murky water, unable to see straight and breath. But no mater what you must keep moving forwards. Rated M for later chapters. In the middle of been re-Written and been moved to my new account. Laven.
1. So I guess this isn't good news?

**Chapter 1**

**So I guess this isn't good news?**

Allen walked up the hall with a small bag of newly washed clothes in one hand and a sad smile making his way back to his small lonely cave-like room. He had just come from the canteen eating his usual amount but not been able to keep it down he soon ran to the closest bathroom which happened to be a certain annoying red head. Lavi had comforted him by rubbing his back and giving him water and some paracetamol. This had been happening all the way through the mission he went on with Kanda. He ate one apple that he was able to keep down in the 3 weeks he was on the mission. He new something was wrong. He new he was ill but didn't want anyone to see him when he was in his weakest moment. But Lavi had. Lavi had seen the real Allen, the one with no will power the one that cried the one that shouted and flinched when touched.  
>Allen turned a corner and found his door walking in he took off his dirty clothes throwing them into the wash basket. He made his way to the wardrobe and pulled out a tank top and baggy bottoms putting on some pumps as shoes. Slowly after that a knock came at the door. Walking over and opening it he smiled brightly with his famous poker face smiles.<p>

"Hello Lenalee., what's up?" He asked. "Nothing much where you going to go training?" She asked smiling sweetly back. "Ahh yeah sort of." He said scratching the back of his head. "Ohh Well Komui wants you to give him some off your time. I don't know what he wants he just told me to get you as soon as possible and send you to his office." She said with a worried look. "Oh well tell him I will be there in a short while after I find Tim he keeps hiding in my underwear draw for a strange reason." He said with a small light hearted giggle. She turned a shade of red and giggled herself " Well good luck with Tim and I will go tell Komui now see you in the canteen at dinner time, say 7pm See you later" She said running off before he could decline her offer. He closed the door and went over to his draws getting Timcampy out and setting him on his head before walking out the door.

**~Komui's office~**

"Welcome home Allen you did an amazing job on the mission!" A forever cheery Komui shouted as the white haired exorcist walker into his office with a small fake smile. By now Tim had flown off somewhere. The boy took a seat on the sofa in-front of his desk that was actually clean of paperwork for once. Komui looked at Allen with a bit of a serious look that turned into a sad smile. The boy had a bit of a upset look as he glared at the carpet with a glare that could have burnt holes through it.

"How did things go on the mission Allen-kun?" Komui asked trying to make eye contact with the younger boy. "O-okay I guess we got the innocence saved some akuma souls and came home like it says in the report." Allen answered the older of the two. "That sounds good. Kanda said you where a bit . . . . . . unwell, to say." He said looking for a answer or explanation but got none. "Allen?" He said getting up from his chair making his way over to the boy on the sofa. He slowly sat down on the chair next to the boy and hugged him in a tight embrace. It wasn't one of a lover nor one of lust, far from it. It felt like a older brother hugging him or a loving dad in a way. Allen was a bit shocked at first but felt tears pricking at the sides of his eye's as he returned it hiding his face in the older ones coat sobbing into it. "Allen please what's wrong. . . . you seem different? In a way are you feeling okay?" Komui asked his serious caring side coming out. Like he could tell that something was wrong in a way. " I-I feel sick" Allen said childishly. But this was serious he never really go sick. The navy blue haired scientist held a hand to the younger one's forehead to feel that it didn't have a temperature. Concern was etched on his face. He rubbed Allen's back and made 'shh' noises in attempt to clam the still sobbing boy down. "Do you want us to run some blood tests and see if it's something bad or if it's just a cold?" Komui asked. Allen just nodded tears still coming from his eye's as he silently cursed at how week he was. "Allen?. . . ." Just a nod of a head again. "How long have you been feeling unwell?" Allen slowly lifted his head looking at Komui with red eye's.

"F-for t-th-the last 7 weeks. . . ." He trailed off. Komui's frowned at the answer. "And have you been eating food?"

"Y-yes. ."

"Have you been keeping that food down?"

Allen shook his head and the frown on Komui's features deepened. Komui got up from the sofa and went to his desk and came back with a syringe to draw blood from Allen's arm. "Allen could you please hold you arm out so I can clean it and take blood?" He asked taking a seat, bringing out a small wipe. "Y-yeah" The white haired boy replied. He held out his arm and looked at Komui wiping it clean. The scientist slowly pushed it in and drew blood, slowly taking it out again he pulled out a small plaster and out it where he had taken blood. "The results should be back by tomorrow, do you want to see me at around 12 ish and check them over." Allen just nodded and stood up from his chair with a quick bow and left the room running to the bathroom puking his stomach content out. Komui sighed as he left the room know why he left in a hurry.

Allen looked into the toilet to see he had started to vomit blood he stared at the toilet for a moment before sliding down the back of the stall door bringing his legs to his chest breathing heavily sobbing into his knee's.

**~Amazingly awesome time skip to 6:50pm~**

Allen laid on his bed dry tears on his cheeks. He had made his way from the bathroom to his room and went to sleep. He turned over and looked at his small clock next to his bed saying 6:50pm. He slowly lifted himself into sitting position and rubbed his eyes looking out the the small window. The clouds where grey with rain pelting down onto the window with 'pita pata' noises. 'Haha the weather is just how I feel' He thought swinging his legs round so he could stand. The young boy was wobbly as he made his way to his wardrobe and pulled out a black cardigan and put it on over what he was wearing feeling warm again.

He really wasn't up for Lenalee taking him for dinner with Lavi and Kanda. He couldn't deal with all off the samurai's insults. He couldn't deal with Lavi's happiness and Lenalee's worrying over him. He walked over to his bed feeling nauseous. He slowly sat down and put his head between his knees breathing harshly. 'I-it hurts. . . s-so much' He thought as he coughed blood onto the wooden floor. He looked at his clock again and saw what time it was "I-It's 7pm already?" He said as he slowly and carefully got up onto his long legs wiping blood from his pink lips. He opened his door putting on a fake smile and walking out the room closing the door behind him composing himself, walking normally with the usual smile. When he got to the canteen he made his way to Jerry ordering a bowl of soup and sitting down with Lenalee, Lavi, Kanda and some other exorcist.

"Hello Allen" Lenalee greeted as he sat down next to Kanda. "Hi" He said back earning looks from Lavi and Kanda at his food portion. "Is that all your going to eat?" Lenalee asked. He nodded his head and slowly started to eat it. Allen stared at the soup with a discussed look on his face as he sat there. He ate the rest in as the minutes went by it had been 20 minutes and he had only got half way through it and had given up walking over and putting his dish to be cleaned. He looked over at the rest off them and smiled before walking out of the canteen back to his room flopping onto his bed going into a dreamless sleep.

**~Canteen~**

"I wonder what's wrong with him?" Lavi asked. "This isn't normal for him"  
>"I know." Lenalee answered.<br>"What do you think happened?" Lavi asked  
>"It has to do with what happened in brothers office, doesn't it?"<br>"Sound's likely"  
>"What should we do?"<br>"Um... I don't know"  
>"Why don't you just go see what he does in his day like stalk him he might go back to your brothers office tomorrow" Kanda butted in.<br>"Your a genius Yu-chan!" Lavi shouted  
>"Do you want to keep your head" Lavi nodded "Then don't call me that!" Kanda shouted back.<br>"So that's it we will stalk Allen tomorrow and see if he goes to brothers office? Lets say we meet up at 12 outside my brothers office?" Lenalee asked. Everyone nodded in agreement before leaving the canteen to go and do there own stuff.

**~Allen's room 11:45am~**

Allen turned over in bed to look at his clock, his eye's widening to see the time. He quickly chucked on a pair of black skinny jeans, white baggy shirt and some black ankle boots. He check the time again to see it was 11:55am and ran out the door slamming it behind him. He started to run down the hall running into finders and other exorcists on the way. He finally made it to Komui's office after falling over 4 times and feeling like he was going to vomit for the millionth time that morning. As he went to knock on the door he looked around checking to see if anyone was there before knocking and walking in.

"Hello Allen. How are you feeling today?" Komui asked his voice a little to cheerful. Allen looked around the room before letting his smile drop. "I'm okay, I guess. . . . ." Allen answered a bit unsure of himself. "Allen. . . . you need to tell me." Komui stated his smile also dropping. "I-I feel sad... no ill I feel, I don't know. It just always hurts now." Allen said walking over and sitting on the sofa. Little did Allen see the figure standing in the back of the room leaning against the wall like it was the most normal thing ever. "Allen I have some bad news we got your blood test back..." Komui stopped and walked over sitting on the sofa. It felt like something inside the older man was about to tear at the news he would give. The figure in the back of the room was listening trying to work out what the bad news was. "Allen... I'm sorry b-but you have cancer" There was a uncomfortable silence in the room for a second before the younger opened his mouth then closed it then opened it again in a fish like motion before keeping it open. The figure in the back of the room with red hair stood there in shock not moving a mussel. "Allen?" Komui asked trying to get him to answer. "Cancer?"

**GOD I'M SUCH A DICK! I JUST GAVE ALLEN CANCER! D:**

**Okay~ so I hope you like this! I want to promise you that this will have a happy ending okay! I couldn't live with myself if it was a bad one xD**

**I will update this every week on Saturday or a Sunday~**

**I hope you like! And please please review they are made with love and I need some love! xD**

**Love lots Dango-chan xxx**

**P.S. If you don't want a happy ending tell me! and I also don't own -man**


	2. Lavi will look after you

_**SORRY, SORRY, SORRY! MY MUM WENT INTO HOSPITAL AND I WENT TO YORK WHICH IS A 7 HOUR DRIVE FROM WHERE I LIVE AND. Please don't hurt me D: ! Also I wrote this to Jar of heart which made me cry! Please listen to it it's beautiful~ I watched this AVM about 25 times! h t t p : / / w w w . y o u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v = R 0 r o B H 1 u t A I & N R = 1**_

_**Okay I wanna do shout out's so I am! I feel special for getting 5 reviews~ Okay thanks: DGrayManFanatic, " " (They had no name but thanks xD), yu-Mango (I was eating mango when I read this review xD ), sathreal, Joybug, Bluelove22 and Heterochrimia Eyes Thanks so much~ Okay here it is.**_

_**ALSO! "**__This sort of writing is Allen thinking" __**KAY! Done here it be! This amazingly /not/ so awesome chapter!**_

_"Allen... I'm sorry b-but you have cancer" There was a uncomfortable silence in the room for a second before the younger opened his mouth then closed it then opened it again in a fish like motion before keeping it open. The figure in the back of the room with red hair stood there in shock not moving a mussel. "Allen?" Komui asked trying to get him to answer. "Cancer?"_

_Have you ever felt like you where sinking deeper and deeper into despair?_

_Like your drowning in murky water just waiting to be saved?_

_I was like that, the moment when you get told bad news like me getting cancer, your mind thinks at 100mph and you don't know what to do?_

"Allen" Komui asked gently.

_I just want to be hugged and told I won't die. But that won't happen will it?_

_I wonder what's going to happen to me, to everyone when I die?_

"Lavi. Come out... " Komui said getting up from the place beside Allen. Lavi moved out of his spot against the wall and walked over to where Allen was laying "A-Allen" He said unsure of what to do. His best friend just got told he had cancer... he felt like he should kiss him and tell him he'll be alright. But best friends aren't supposed to do that are they?

_The feeling of been loved by someone. Will I ever get to feel it?_

_I deserve love, don't I? Haha maybe I won't... that's just a silly dream..._

He looked at the younger boy with a blank face and sighed "Allen... are you okay?" Lavi asked the quiet boy.

No reply.

_I wonder if they will stop me going on missions._

_Will I just be a burden to everyone?_

He looked at him with worried eyes and took him into a tight warm embrace. _'S-someone's h-hugging me. It's so warm, so caring, so... so ... loving is the only word.' _Allen hugged back gripping onto the others shirt with a deadly grip. The younger boy looked up to see he was in the red heads arms. "L-Lavi?" Allen whispered so only Lavi could hear.

"Yes Allen." He whispered back as Komui slipped out the room."Lavi... you're so warm.." Allen answered holding on tighter. Lavi's heart skipped a beat at hearing that. _"No where only friends... friends are supposed to support each other like this right? Maybe I'm just in love with him. Finding out someone might never smile at you again. It makes my heart hurt. I think I like Allen...but Allen would never like me so"_ Lavi thought as he rubbed circles on Allen's back to try and calm him down.

These feelings, ones he couldn't recognise swirling in his chest. It was warm, caring and it was one of loving nature. It made him wants to protect him, look after him, and hold him. Make him feel loved. It suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks _"I-I love you?"_ He thought as he held the boy closer. He rested his head on the younger one's head breathing in his scent.

"L-Lavi..."Allen said sniffling a bit.

"Yes" Lavi said telling him to go on.

"A-am I going to... die?" Allen asked tears streaming down cheeks. His eye's where puffy and red from crying.

"Allen..." Lavi said in a sad tone. "I promise you will, I'll take you to do all your favourite things and we will have so much fun."Lavi didn't know whether Allen would live or die. But it hurt just thinking about life without him.. who would he annoy Kanda with

"Lavi... I-I feel l-lonely." He whispered clinging to him."_He's never been like this has he? I-I feel so sorry for him. I want to help him...but what can I do?" _ Lavi held him close and as he was about to speak he heard someone cough. He looked behind him to see Komui sitting at his desk.

"Lavi I am leaving Allen-chan in your care from now on. Please give him these pills" He held up a pack of pills."Please Stay with him at all times. I will provide you with a room with double bed to share. Please don't hurt him; he has at most 8 weeks... Please... Try your best to look after him and show him how to cope." Komui said with a sad smile. "Your room is in the generals section no.630 is the door number. I hope this will be okay for you all." Lavi looked at Allen then back to Komui.

"Okay" With that Lavi picked up the younger boy and made his way to their new room. Allen had curled up in Lavi's hold and was holding on for dear life. Sleep had overcome him and he was now in the darkness.

_Is this my love or is it just kindness or pity?_

_Does it really matter? I'm dying. But Lavi said I wouldn't... who should I believe?_

While Allen slept Lavi went to their rooms and got their clothes and other things that the other boy might want. As he walked back to their room that was on the top floor just to make his life hard. When he got back he put their stuff away and lay down on the bed next to the other teen.

_Life's going to get harder from now on. Living with him while trying to work out if I have a crush on him or he's just like a brother. I wonder if he will still eat the same amount of food. I mean his innocence will need it after all. Will he still go on missions? God... My mind is so messed up at the moment. _He got up looking at the other boy and went for a shower, hopefully washing away all his dread. _Allen... won't live will he? It hurts knowing this but then again... I'm not supposed to feel... what happened to been a bookman? _

_**END OF CHAPTER!**_

_**Hope you like~ I don't own -man**_

_**Please review they are made with love and I need some of that at the moment~**_

_**Hope you enjoyed and see you next week~**_

_**Love lots Dango-chan xxx**_

_**(( Re-written ))**_


	3. I love you!

**HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH CHAPTER 3 ALREADY! Does everyone hate me for giving Allen cancer o3o~? I love you for reviewing ~ FEEL THE LOVE! Okay Chapter three is up C: Also thanks so much too: InYourCloseth, CelestialEclissi, Two-Different-Roses , Joybug , sathreal THANKS I WUV CHU!**

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_**Chapter 3**_

_**Please don't leave me**_

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_The world is so cold and lonely. It's like sitting in the middle of a road. Waiting for someone to find you and take you home look after you, Care for you and love you, or to hit you down and leave you to die and wither away like nothing; Like you where just some bug to be trampled on. Like you are a pest that people want to kill and look down on because they think you are nothing because I am nothing. Because I am alone, all by myself I will be alone forever won't I. Well forever isn't that long is it? When did I start thinking like this? I should wake up now shouldn't I? I can't remember when I went to sleep. There's something warm pressed against me. I wonder what or who it is._

Lavi woke up the next morning groggily. Allen hadn't woken once during the night. The young boy next to Lavi held him closer pulling the older red head out of his dreamless sleep. The Red head look down at him and smiled gently

"I guess you do feel alone" He whispered holding him closer. It was about 5am, but the sun was streaming in through the large window, because the beautiful sun just so happened to be covered by heavy clouds and heavy rain covering everything in a wet blanket. It was so... gloomy, but at the same time beautiful, little droplets of water beating down onto windows. At the moment they were laying in a king sized bed with red silk covers. For some reason Komui only gave them one bed but it was big enough for 5 people so size wasn't an issue for sure. Lavi stared out the big window in front of the bed that was at the back of the room on a sort of platform so it's lifted slightly of ground level.

Lavi then turned to looked at the boy laying on his chest and sighed. He was perfect. Like a angel, a fallen angel in all its beauty, his white hair sticking to his forehead from sweat. He was hotter than usual; you could tell that he wasn't well. He had dark bags under his eyes, his face looked worn out and he just looked unwell. The fact that he wasn't eating was taking its toll on his body. He felt the younger one start to move a bit so he shook his shoulder.

"Allen? Allen." Lavi Whispered in his ear.

Allen's eye's fluttered open to show big beautiful grey orbs. He looked confused as he slowly lifted his head to look at whose body he was holding onto. Lavi looked at him as there eye's locked. Emerald met silver.

"Lavi? Um..." Allen's voice was dry and quiet. He looked around, more confusion crossed his face. "Were exactly am I?" He asked.

"I'll recap everything Komui said yesterday when you weren't listening." He took a deep breath. "Komui told us that you will be under my care and I am to look after you from now on. We have been given a generals room. You will need to take these pills 3 times a day. We will be together all the time so you are not alone, any questions?" Allen stared at him and opened his mouth to talk and then closed and opened it again in a fish like motion. Allen slowly sat up so he was facing Lavi. "W-why am I in the general's room then?" Lavi's heart dropped at the question.

"Allen." Lavi took hold of his shoulders "I'm sorry Allen, you only have 8 weeks." Lavi felt tears pricking at the sides of his eyes. Allen stared at him with questioning eye's

"W-what do you mean? Y-you said I wouldn't die! I-I don't want to..." Allen trailed of not looking Lavi in the eye.

"I-I'm sorry Allen. I'm so very sorry." Lavi could feel his heart breaking in two.

"Lavi... so I'm going to be alone... without love? When I die" Allen had tear rolling down his pale cheeks.

Lavi stared at him and took him into bone crushing embrace, sharing their warmth between them. Allen's arms slowly made their way around Lavi's back bringing their chests together.

"Hey L-" Allen stopped talking and ripped the hug apart running to the entrance of the room but collapsing onto his hands and knees as he got there and vomiting a blood and some food on the floor outside. Panting heavily he stared at it tears rolling down his cheeks. " I-it h-hurts." Allen whispered to himself holding his stomach.

Lavi was right behind Allen just staring. "Allen? Are you okay?" Allen jumped at his voice.

"Y-yeah." He whispered.

"Don't lie Allen! Look at me! Can you even get up at the moment?" Lavi shouted at Allen. The young boy looked and made his way shakily to his feet, stretching out his long pale slender legs. Lavi seeing how shaky he was wrapped his arms around his waist holding him up. "Allen." He sighed. "You're so... fragile at the moment." Lavi whispered in his ear holding the boy closer.

"Lavi... are you going to leave me? I mean if I die will you just walk away without a second thought?" He whispered.

_So Lavi will be the only one to see the true me? Will he be the one to save me from my demons? To stay with me? But he won't. He can't feel anything, can he? He's a Bookman. He has no heart , right? That's what he said. I can't handle any more pain._

_It's like I'm sinking, drowning in the murky water that is my soul, slowly going deeper and deeper into despair, alone, so very alone. I'm fading. I'm losing this fight, my last fight should I say? The fight to stay alive, Sorry, I will burden you all won't I? When did I start thinking like this? How can I move forward when it feels like I'm moving backwards?_

"Allen... I think I should tell you this now..." Lavi took a deep breath and looked into big grey orbs. He stood there for a minute just staring at each other, Allen trying to read his face to see what he was think. "I-I ... will stay with you as long as you want me to. That's what friends are for. Right buddy"

"Lavi" He whispered hugging him tightly.

"Yeah" Lavi said holding him closer.

"Thank you... so much" Allen said tears falling from his eye and down his slightly flushed cheeks.

"Like I said... that's what friends are for."

_If only I could tell you I want to be more than friends... if only, but that would only hurt you more. _

**END OF CHAPTER!**

**Hope you like it took me long enough!**

**Please review it gives me hope and love and I need lots of love!**

**I love you!**

**Love lots Dango-chan**

**(( Re-written ))**


	4. I've become so numb

**A/U: This is in from some of the resent Manga updates and when it gets in some of you might be confused if you have never read the Manga. If so this is a SPOILER ALERT. Any way Marian Cross "dies" But to be honest I don't think he is dead. Anyway on to the story.**

**Chapter 4**

**I've become so numb.**

_Slowly...I'm still slowly dying. The things I will miss, like... my family, the order, Lenalee, Krory, Miranda, Komui, Maybe Master and Kanda... Lavi... the one I love. I've never noticed how much I care for him... how long has he felt that way towards me? I still feel alone, like there's a whole in my heart . I wonder what it is... I feel loved.. I love someone... I want to be with them forever... that won't happen will it? I will_

"Hi?" Lavi said to the shocked girl standing in the doorway next to Allen's vomit.

"Why are you here?" Lenalee asked. Lavi and Allen where still hugging making Lenalee even more confused as to why Allen looked upset and just plain unwell.

"Ask your brother and close the door on the way out" Lavi snapped.

Lenalee glared at him and her eyes travelled over to the white haired boy in Lavi's embrace. Her eyes softened at his confused face. She was hoping Allen would stand up for her and tell Lavi that he should explain and stop been so harsh. But it never came he stayed silent. Lenalee stared at the two and sighed.

"Whatever then! I'll go ask Komui what's with this..." She shouted and stared at the scene one last time and ran to her brother's office slamming the big oak wooden door behind her. As her hurried footsteps disappeared Lavi let out a loud sigh and looked toward Allen.

Allen looked up into emerald green orbs and smiled "Well that was awkward she kept looking at me" Allen laughed a little.

"She has a thing for you Bean~" Lavi smirked as he saw Allen blush slightly.

"A thing?" Allen questioned.

"Yeah a crush on you." Lavi said laughing.

"How do you know?" The teen asked.

"She told me" Lavi answered again.

"What do you feel for me Lavi?" Allen asked looking up feeling better and bit happier than earlier.

"Well! We are super ultra BFF's for life!" Lavi smiled brightly. Allen Laughed and Lavi ruffled his hair.

"I feel dizzy Lavi..." Lavi quickly realised him from the hug and sat him on the bed so that Lavi was sitting against the head board with Allen sitting in-between his legs, resting his head against the older ones chest, breathing deeply. Lavi's arms were by his side not know if he should hug allen. Allen drifted off into another dreamless sleep. Lavi let out a sigh and held him closer and started to think. Think about Allen and his condition.

_Your just like glass Allen. Your fragile and one little slip or wrong move you can shatter and brake into piece, never to be fixed again. One day you won't be here, by my side and that is the day I won't be able to go on. I don't want you to leave. I want to see you smile. Not the fake one, the real one that warms my heart and makes me want to smile to. I don't want you to be sad just please don't leave me alone. _Lavi felt tears role down his cheeks he felt stupid for crying and thinking like this. Shortly after sleep dragged him into the darkness.

_**~2 hours later~**_

"Lavi!" Allen screamed shooting up out of bed looking around covered in sweat. Tears falling from his eyes he curled up into a ball and started to sob softly.

_I killed him. It wasn't a dream? I really killed him didn't I? Don't leave me alone! I need you. This always happens...I kill the people closest to me... Mana, master... and now Lavi... I truly am a monster aren't I?_

Lavi flung the bath room door open and ran over to Allen. Lavi was now fully dressed but not in his exorcist uniform, just in a pair of white jeans, plain black shirt and black boot's his hair sticking to his forehead wet from what looked like he had been in the shower.

"Allen! are you okay" He shouted.

"L-Lavi?" Allen looked up with tears in his eyes. "Your aren't dead! I killed you" He cried more and hugged him.

"You didn't kill me. You've been sleeping. I woke up an hour ago Allen, to get a shower. Do you want one?" Lavi asked trying to get his mind off things. Allen nodded tightening his grip around Lavi.

"You can walk can't you Allen? Or is it a bad day today?" Allen Shook his head and tried to get up letting Lavi go from the hug he got onto his feet and made his way towards the bathroom. He was wobbly but it was good enough. How was he going to stand in the shower? He ran in and the sound of water running could be heard. He soon came back out sighing and sat on the bed waiting for Allen to finish.

Allen got clean, dried and dressed. The vomit outside the room was gone so made their way over to the canteen. Allen was still weak so he used the red head as a support so he didn't hurt himself. The young teen was wearing black jogging bottoms (( Where I come from in York we call em' shit stoppers XD )) With a white tank top and black cardigan. He looked worn out. His eyes had dark bags under them and he looked smaller than normal.

They turned a corner and came to the doors of a not so crowed canteen which was quite rare. Miranda and Krory whereon missions at the moment and Lenalee and Kanda where whispering on a table at the back of the canteen. Allen ordered a apple with a glass of water and Lavi ordered a stack of pancakes. They sat down across from Lenalee and Kanda. Allen was facing Kanda and Lavi was facing Lenalee. Lenalee frowned and looked at Lavi and Allen with a glare.

"Allen, Komui told us everything." Lenalee said with a blank face.

Allen froze...

**(( RE-WRITTEN! ))**


	5. Dark Dreams and feelings

_Italics: thoughts. And dreams_

_And Kanda and Allen is a bit ooc on bits. Sorry but I like to show Kanda's softer side. ;') SO ENJOY THE CHAPTER!_

**Chapter 6**

**He wasn't supposed to find out!**

_There once was a beautiful angel... he had white hair and pale white skin... he was innocent, fair pure. Until one day he found out the heart break, unfairness and tragedy of our world. He was heartbroken. Can you blame him? He had never loved, he only felt heart break. No-one could ever understand why he kept smiling. He was slowly breaking. On the inside. Never breaking on the outside. Until now. Cracks forming on his beautiful face, to his petite hands to his small feet. . _

Allen slowly stirred from his sleep. His silver eyes fluttered open to the blinding setting sun. Beautiful Yellow, orange, pink and red colours painting the sky. Allen looked around to the flowers seeing all the white petals painting orangey, yellow colour. Allen sighed in content. '_I could spend forever like this... in warm arms... pulling me close. I feel... happy?" _Allen thought as he pulled the older boy closer and smiled happily to himself. "I could die happy like this..." he sighed. _I wonder what time it is, it gets dark around 7pm so I guess it's nearly 7. _He felt Lavi move slightly and looked up at him as his emerald eye opened to look down at the boy.

Lavi smiled down at the young boy. "You're awake Hun?" He asked the younger boy with a happy smile hugging him slightly. The boy smiled back, snuggling his head into Lavi's chest. "I think my butt is numb." Allen said. Lavi broke out laughing. "Should we go Hun?" Lavi asked stroking Allen's hair lovingly.

Allen nodded and slowly tried to get up. "Ah... Come on then." He said smiling. "It's getting dark." Lavi got up and grabbed the white haired teen's hand. "Let's go then." They made their way back and walked to the canteen.

Kanda sat in Komui's office on the sofa waiting for him to come back from bothering Lenalee. Kanda was trying to contemplate whether this was a good idea or not. Komui should know right? He was the one that gives the medication out. This was the only way to find out what was wrong.

He sighed, clearly looking uncomfortable at the moment.

_Where the hell is Komui? I thought he would be here by now! Gah! I should just leave and ask them directly._ Kanda got up and made his way to the door with a frown.

The door flung open just as Kanda was going to open it slamming into his face with a loud 'BANG'. Komui walked over to his for once clean desk and sat down thinking out loud.

"This is a big problem... Allen hasn't got long... Lavi will be devastated when he dies... then Lavi will probably not want to stay at the order or do something stupid... I could give him more pills... but that won't stop the cancer and those pills are only to stop the pain. DAMN!" Komui slammed his fist into the desk. "This isn't working."

Kanda was listening to Komui go on and he closed the door he just got hit into the wall with and walked to the sofa and took a seat gaining Komui's attention. "W-what is it Kanda-kun?" Komui tried to smile but failed.

"Is it true?" Pain was written on the teens face. "Is Allen going to die of cancer?" Kanda whispered.

"Yes." Komui said trying not to cry. "I won't tell anyone then... see you later and keep me updated... I care for my comrades and my friends." Kanda sighed and he got up quickly and left the room. Komui stared at the door with a sad smile "_Finally showing emotion... it's a shame it's for something as heart breaking and devastating as this..." _

"Haha, sorry where late Lenalee! We fell asleep and it was 7:30pm before we knew it..." Lavi laughed nervously as they sat down. Allen with a coffee and Lavi with a bacon sandwich and eggs. Allen sat opposite Lenalee with Lavi next to him.

"How are you Lenalee?" Allen asked politely with a small smile that spread on his pale pink lips.

"I'm good thank you Allen-kun. How are you?" The dark green haired girl smiled brightly at him.

"I'm okay, thanks..." They started to talk about their day and what they did.

After about ten minutes the canteen door slammed open to a very pissed off samurai standing there. "Moyashi we need to talk. Now!" He shouted at him. The loud and crowded canteen becoming quiet and everyone stopping. Allen sighed and looked at the man.

"I'm coming." Allen said with a sigh. Drinking the rest of his coffee he walked over to the man and they left with Lavi confused sitting and staring at the door.

"Allen." Kanda started using Allen's name which showed he was serious. "I-I... want you to know that if you need anything, anything at all, come and find me and I'll try and help." He sighed at how he sounded so girlie.

"W-what brought this on?" Allen asked stuttering slightly.

"Allen... I know... you have cancer. I know you have Lavi but sometimes you need someone else to talk to. I just want you to know I will listen and I won't tell anyone." He smiled and ruffled the young teen's hair. "See you around, Bean." He smiled and went to turn away but felt a hand grip him arm.

"Thank you, Kanda." He smiled sadly and hugged the man slightly. "You're a real friend. Thank you."

Kanda sighed and patted the boy's back. "It's okay. Should we head back? Lavi will start to worry and flip out." Allen laughed and nodded as they started to walk back to the canteen in silence.

"ALLEN!" Lavi shouted as he came in the canteen. "I thought he ate you!" Earning him a glare as cold as ice from Kanda, who went to get his usual soba and sat next to Lenalee.

They ate in peace and made their separate ways. Lavi and Allen left to their room for the night. Kanda went to the training room and Lenalee went to see her brother.

4 Days later.

"Allen! Where are you!" A red head shouted running up the hall. He looked around and sighed. He's been looking for his lover for hours now. He had awoke up next to a space in the bed so he decided to go looking for his young lover; in his pyjamas. The man let out a frustrated sigh and he turned a corner. And to top the off he was lost. He turned another corner and wound up at the canteen. "How?" He asked himself as he entered. He looked around the room to see it fairly empty considering it was 12:30pm.

He stared at the white haired boy in the corner of the room eating a meal consisting of a normal portion. The teen was clearly struggling to finish the meal. He was working on eating some cake after what looked like it took him a while to eat the pasta sauce.

Lavi slowly walked over to the boy and sat opposite him with a sad smile. "This is where you were hiding then?" He put a hand on his cheek. Allen lifted his head to show black bags under his eyes and a slight flush over his pale skin. Lavi sighed and handed the teen two pills from a bottle. "You didn't take them last night."

"Thanks." Allen mumbled as he took them with his glass of water. Finishing the last bite of his cake he let out a frustrated sigh.

"How long have you been here?" Lavi asked worry in his voice.

"About two hours." He replied with no emotion. "Can we go? I'm sleepy..."

Lavi let out a sigh and stood up and walked around the table and picked up Allen. "Your freezing" He said to the younger boy in his arms. Allen wrapped his frail arms around the older boy. He let out a sigh and snuggled into Lavi's chest.

The red head exited the canteen with a loud sigh as he made his way back to their room. Allen started to drift into sleep as they were walking.

Allen's Dream.

_Where am I? I'm scared... w-what's that strange smell? It smells like iron... What could it be? _Allen took a step into darkness. _It hurts to walk... to breath... to live. I want to rest. I want to... to ... to rest. The smell it's getting stronger with every step I take. I can feel dripping... it smells like iron again the scents is getting stronger. _Allen put a hand to his cheek feeling a liquid oozing from the ceiling. He looked at it to see blood on his slim fingers. The darkness thickening around the young teen like a blanket been wrapped around his chest making it hard to breath. _I-it hurts. Lavi... help me? _

Lavi sat down on the bed next to where the young boy lay. The red head let out a sigh. He was tried and couldn't be bothered getting changed so he just lay down next to the boy and closed his eye slowly drifting to sleep.

**I'M LATE! But some stuff happened and I found it hard to write because it hit close to home. *Also got in trouble with the police and had no laptop for 3 weeks***

**(( GAVE UP ON RE-WRITING!))**


	6. NOTICE!

I'm sorry for not updating! I am planning on improving this so I'm going to be re-writing the chapters, not too much but with better grammar and spelling and so thing are allot clearer.

There won't be nothing to big I change and I will update in a month or earlier due to my family problems at the moment.

I'm truly sorry!


	7. This is a blackout

_**I was going to update this just after Christmas and I realised I hated it. Really hated it. So I've written it again. I hope you like it and tell me what you think.**_

_**Also I've updated the re-written chapters. So you might want to read them, I took some pats out and added other. Allen still ooc along with Lavi sometimes but I hope you guys like this and drop off a review, it makes me update faster.**_

XXXX-XXXX

Sometimes I wonder... what it would be like if I was never born. Then I realise that I would never had made friends like the ones I have now. But then you start to think would their lives we better without me, and then you go back to the beginning of the thought of what would it be like if you where never here. Its viscous cycle right? Bet you have done it to. Allen Walker has plenty of times. In fact he was doing it right now, sitting in the dining area at one of the tables at the back poking a meatball around his plate.

It was a Saturday evening, a week since he had that weird dream, a week since Lavi had found him in the dining room, and about 3 weeks since he was told he was going to die.

He wasn't so held up on it now, it was just the fact he would be leaving for a mission with Lenalee, Kanda, and Lavi tomorrow. You see, central didn't know he had cancer, and if Komui was ordered to send Allen on a mission, then he had to send him on a mission. Huh? Why didn't anyone tell central? Well, Allen didn't want to burden them. I mean, he was still in the middle of a war right?

Allen shoved the meatball in his mouth and chewed it slowly. He was finding it a lot easier to eat and his appetite was that of a normal teenage-well if there is such thing as a normal teenager that is. He pushed the now empty plate away from him and rubbed his stomach feeling full. He had about 3 or 4 hours until Lavi got back from a meeting with Bookman and Komui. He let out a long sigh getting up and making his way towards the door but someone just had to smile at him and try to start up a conversation with him.

Allen smiled back but quickly looked the other way and sat at the nearest table and pretends to talk to the person there. Well... For those that were looking on it looked like a normal conversation but for the person he sat down in front of and started to pretended to speak he looked like a fucking idiot. And said person said just that... or maybe a little louder and with more naughty words in it.

"What the fuck are you doing you fucking retarded Bean" Kanda Yuu Shouted at the Beansprout. Allen finally looked at the person he was pretending to chat to. No wonder people where looking at him weirdly. I mean he was talking to Kanda, Kanda Yuu. Well... he isn't really the brightest crayon in the box but still. Allen wasn't really expecting him to be all smiles and say hello happily to him I mean he was nice to Allen once doesn't mean he has to be nice 24/7 does it?

Allen Smiled awkwardly and slowly got up and at this point EVERYONE was staring...

"Hello to you to Kanda. What lovely weather we're having. Ha... haha." He laughed and took a step backwards.

Kanda looked out the window to look at the rain thumping against the glass stained patterns on them. Well it wasn't really a pattern more like circles of a sort. Either way the weather was horrible.

"Sure Moyashi, it's perfect if you want to go for a shower. Or want to be a total idiot and think that the rain is something to be glad about when you want to train." He raised his voice and Allen took another step closer to the door.

"I think it's nice!" Allen lied and took another step back... Nearly there... "Haha! You k-." Allen ran out the dining hall as fast as he could with Kanda shouting at him.

They say that you're supposed to be tried before you die, well Allen was feeling happy and wanted to do stuff but Lavi said that it wasn't healthy in his current condition, I mean come on, take all the fun out of what time he had left.

Allen rounded a corner panting and ended up at the library. Fun. Books. Oh and guess what else just so happened to be in there, a meeting, with Lavi involved. He pressed his head against the door-I mean come on if you thought the meeting might be about you, you would listen to right?- and listened carefully.

"He doesn't have long and this mission will wear him out more" A voice that was most likely Lavi's shouted.

"I know it's hard but it's harder for him and he might want to go on this mission ever wondered that?"

"He's ill! Why would he want to?"

"Lavi calm down we're here only to record history of 'the destroyer of time' no emotional attachments. I thought that was made clear ages ago. You should know this by now."

He heard a sigh and he felt a stabbing pain in his chest... no this wasn't guilt or anything... this felt more like his lungs where getting tighter and tighter. He tried to take a deep breath and coughed blood splattering. He heard Lavi's voice speak again.

"Is there a cure for his sickness? Have you no heart leaving him, sending him on a mission. He is hurting... can't you see that? H-he... he so... "

"Lavi, your losing control of your feelings."

"Bookman, Lavi... This will be his last mission..."

Allen coughed more and moved to lean against the wall. "Damn." He whispered. He heard the door squeak open and coughed again he world started to go blotchy. Black spots started to cut off his vision. Lavi looked at him and gasped.

"Allen! Stay awake. Are you okay?"

Allen smiled weakly. " I love... y-you"

"Stay awake you damn loveable bean sprout!" Lavi said hugging him.

Komui's faint shouting though a golem could be heard as the world felt like it was slowing down. He could still feel Lavi's trembling body against his own, how could he go from feeling fine to feeling... well... what was he feeling? Lavi picked him up. "See... yah." Allen whispered in his ear before everything went black.

_Do you know the feeling when it feels like you floating? Like you're weightless? No? Yes? I don't, there is always that one little problem weighing you down right? You never have a moment when you're not worrying about something. _

_Yeah it sucks doesn't it. I wonder... I'm still wondering what it would be like if I was never alive. Again with this viscous cycle. Ah... the [pain in my chest is becoming... lighter... or is it just leaving... where am I? The black... i hate this feeling of not been in control._ _I sold my soul to Mana for a reason... I killed him... it's like a life for a life now right? This hurts to much... thinking I mean._

_**XXXXX**_

_**AND THAT IS A WRAP!... I mean rap, I'm eating a midnight snack... You should be happy I'm doing this instead of homework... I'm sorry... I am going to make the next chapter very long so you will probably have to wait a while like you did with this one. **_


	8. Yet another notice!

Hello guys.

I'm re-writing again with big changes. So I'll be starting to re-write now and taking the notices out and making each chapter longer. Because I feel everyone is OOC. My grammar is terrible too along with spellings and over all I feel like it's shit.

I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated too. I've been busy. I'm truly sorry. I hope you'll enjoy the re-written one and I wish you a pleasant Morning/Afternoon/evening/Night~

Love lots Dango-Chan

( It's funny I'm called Dango Sticks but I've never had Dangos. Hmm. )


	9. EVEN MORE NOTICES YAY I'm sorry

Hey guys, long time to see... heh... yeah.

Anyway. I'll be setting up a new account. Yeah um. So what I'll be doing is posting the chapters of my storries I have re-written ad starting a new. I hope you'll enjoy the new and improved (hopfully to you) chapters that I feel coffident about c: I'll hopefully see you all at my new account which I will link on my profile when I've set it up.

Sorry for the shitty storries I've posted and how log it's taken me to write this.

Thank you hunnies

love you xx


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